There is no me without you
by xX-Natasja-Xx
Summary: Meredith found back a old paper from her childhood, This brings back some memories and emotions. Derek supports her while she tells him her story. contains drug history. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW THANK YOU. Oneshot - reposted


**Story title:** Me without you  
**Author:** xX-Natasja-Xx  
**Disclaimer:** only wrote the story nothing else ;) Lyric belongs to Ashley Tisdale and Characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.  
**Authors note**: Just a idea that pulled up into my head after hearing the song and seeing the Amalia storyline from Private Practice.  
The story is all fictive so nothing real about it..  
I'n not a fan of Ashley Tisdale her music, but just loved this lyrics =)  
**Written on**: 09-02-2012 **Edited on:** 18-10-2012  
**Published on:** 23-02-2012 **Re-Published on**: 18-10-2012 because of bad grammar.

**xX-Natasja-Xx**

**Meredith's point of view: **  
'I really screwed up big time' I thought to myself, while I read over the paper that I was holding in my hand. I read the text over and over and it took quite some time before I noticed that I started to cry.  
I quickly moved my hand to my face ready to wipe the tears away, when I heard him walking into the living room, and my heart skipped a beat or two.

"What is wrong Mer" He gently asked when he walked in the room and saw my tears, he quickly walked over and before I knew it his hand moved to my face and a soft, strong men's finger wiped away my tears.

I looked up at him to meet his beautiful green eyes, and I locked them with mine before answering him. I needed to think about what I was going to tell him, was it the truth which probably would cause me to scare him away. Or was I going to tell him a lie, like I did many times before.

He softly called my name again "Mer?" which caused me to look down at the paper I was still holding. And I made my decision so I looked up again to meet his eyes again , before answering " I just found back this paper, it brings back memories, it is really old" I said and I let out a deep sigh.  
I decided to tell him the truth since I didn't want our marriage to relay on lies, and I told him already to many lies before.

He looked down at the paper I was holding and I could see he was thinking since he had that frown on his forehead.  
I started wondering what he was thinking. I knew the paper was facing its white back towards him, so I let out a small sigh relieved that he couldn't read it.

But there it was, just when I sighed from relieve his hand moved on top of mine "can I read it?' he asked me with a curious puppy face look in his eyes.. Now I was scared, there was no way back and I really blamed myself for not telling a lie. I couldn't resist his question. The way he looked at me made me melt from inside.

"Der.." I started, not sure what I wanted to tell him. "I need to tell you something, after you read this , and I don't want you to interrupt me while I am doing. I want you to listen to my full story, because I know you probably will hate me when I am finished. I want you to know before I start that I love you and that this is a long way back and it has nothing to do with us." I said and I placed a soft and tender kiss on his lips.

I gave him the piece of paper that I still was holding in my right hand. "I wrote this song when I was almost 17" I looked shy at him and he nodded while he started to read it.  
At that moment that he started reading it I wished I just could disappear from the room. No one had ever seen that piece of paper before. He was the first one.

_It's just you and me and there's no one around__  
__I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, it's a long way down__  
__I've been trying to breathe, but I'm fighting for air__  
__I'm at an all time low with no place to go_

_But you're always there when everything falls apart__  
__And it seems like the world is crashing at my feet__  
__You like me the best, when I'm a mess__  
__When I'm my own worst enemy_

_You make me feel beautiful__  
__When I have nothing left to prove__  
__And I can't imagine how I'd make it through_

_There's no me without you__  
__No me without you, no n__o_

_You hear what I say, when I don't say a word__  
__You are my rising sun, you're the place I run_

_You know how it hurts when everything falls apart__  
__And it seems like the world is crashing at my feet__  
__You like me the best, when I'm a mess__  
__When I'm my own worst enemy_

_You make me feel beautiful__  
__When I have nothing left to prove__  
__And I can't imagine how I'd make it through_

_There's no me without you__  
__No me without you__  
__There's no me without you__  
__No me without you_

_And when you say baby it's gonna get better, I believe you__  
__And I wish that somehow I could see me though what you do__  
__With my imperfections, you think I'm perfect__  
__When it's not easy, you make it worth it_

_When everything falls apart__  
__And it seems like the world is crashing at my feet__  
__You like me the best, when I'm a mess__  
__When I'm my own worst enemy_

_You make me feel beautiful__  
__When I have nothing left to prove__  
__And I can't imagine how I'd make it through_

_There's no me without you__  
__No me without you, no n__o_

_No me without you  
__No me without you, no no... no_

He finished reading my song and he looked up at me "wow that is nice written, who was the guy who made you write this? Please Mer tell me the story, I want to know you, I want to know your past before me. I know you have told me already a lot about you, but still there are things you never told me about your past, I can tell, because Mer I notice you stumbling over your words when you are telling something and then you change the subject. I have noticed that you know..  
I promise I won't get mad, the past is the past and I am sure nothing can change this and my feelings for you. " he said and he bended forwards to place a kiss on my forehead, one at the tip of my nose and finally one on my lips.  
I kissed him back right away, but It didn't take long before I interrupted it and began telling him my story, before I didn't dare to do it anymore.

"when I was late 15 begin 16, I wasn't the best daughter a mother could wish for. I had pink hear, yes really pink. My mom hated me for doing that and that made me proud of myself, I hated being the brave kid like she wanted me to be.  
I hated my mom, she ruined my life, ok I thought so at that age. Now I know she meant the best for me, but at that time. I was pissed at her for leaving my dad which I never saw any more as you know, I was pissed at her for always being at work, not having any time for me and pushing me to be a doctor. We never spoke with each other anymore, all we did was fight

At school I met this guy Matt, he looked really cool and he just did what he wanted to do.  
I don't know how but suddenly we started talking, he asked me about my parents and I told him I just had a huge fight with my mom and told him about her and dad. He understood me, he didn't have a good relationship with his parents either. We found a lot of comfort at each other. We talked for hours and hours, and the next following days we spend together after school time. I didn't do my homework anymore because at that moment I wanted to piss off my mom, by not becoming a doctor or anything else. I was late 15 and thought I could survive without a job or diploma.

It believe it was a week after we met, when I went with him to his house to chill out. When I walked in some friends of him were there and they all were really stoned. I didn't know how it felt like, so when someone offered me a joint I took it willing to try it out, and with that it started. It didn't take long before I was addicted. I never showed up at school anymore, I just always spent my time at his place. Mom didn't notice a thing since she was always busy working at the hospital, I made sure she didn't notice for the first couple weeks. But one day she suddenly came home early, I was stoned like hell and she of course noticed it.  
I was 16 at that time and we got in a huge fight. She threatened to get me locked up in an institution and she slapped me in the face. I got mad, I ran upstairs got my bags and just left the house.

There I was, standing right in front of his house with my bags. I was so scared that he would send me away but he didn't . I was deeply in love with him, I thought, now I'm not sure if I was in love with him or the drugs he could give me. I think it was both. He let me in and I found out that he was 21 already and living on his own with some friends, that explained allot why his friends where always over and why I never saw his parents. I never asked him about his age before, it just didn't seem important to me at that time.

We stayed in his room all of the time I spend there, sometimes we came out but mostly only to get food, something liquid or drugs. I really wasn't myself anymore and at that time joints weren't good enough for me anymore. I needed stronger stuff like meds or cocaine, heroin, etc. The only thing I wanted was to get so stoned so I couldn't feel my anger, and sadness anymore.

I didn't have had any contact with my mom in weeks and I knew she was searching me, I saw myself at the news as missing girl, but I didn't care and didn't pay any attention at it.  
Matt once said that maybe I should let mom know that I was fine.. But I didn't want to so I told him to never say something like that again.

I couldn't live without two things in my life anymore, Drugs and Matt, I was deeply in love with both or I thought so at that time. And I didn't know how I ever would survive without him or drugs. They made hard times worth living. He knew how it hurts when everything around you fall apart. He told me how good I was for him, how beautiful I was and all these nice things.  
When I was up sad about something he told me that , things would get better and we just would take another shot.

Until that day in March, A friend of him stole a prescription note at his doctor's office. All of us were excited about that because, this made it way easier for us to get some drugs, and so we did. I can still remember that last shot like it was yesterday, it was an injection and I took it first and he would go second. I never remembered taking it. All I remembered was that when I woke up Matt was lying pale and cold besides me. He had a overdoses, he died.

I didn't know what to do so I ran to the living room where his friends were, and they called the ambulance. I snapped out of my dream and called my mom and said to her that I wanted to get clean and how sorry I was. I wanted to get clean for Matt, he deserved it.  
My mom was happy to hearI was still alive, she thought I was dead since she didn't heard anything from me in months. She brought me to a clinic where I spend 78 days. Normal you go home after 50 days, but I wasn't ready to go home at that time.  
Later I found out that my mom already gave up the search for me..

The first weeks I thought that I couldn't live without Matt, but soon I realized that there was a me without him. It was hard the first weeks since Matt always was by my side, he knew what I wanted to say even if I didn't speak out loud. He always were there for me when the world felt apart, at that time there was no me without him. After a couple weeks I realized when I read this song again, which I wrote in the first week when I was in this clinic, that I was my worst enemy and not everyone else who I blamed for screwing up my life. At the end it was me taking all the choices I did that time.

It was hard for me to get clean, but I managed. When I got released from the clinic I decided that I needed to get my life on track. I was late 16 at that moment but everything I've had been through, made me to think about life and what I wanted to do with it. It was summer break when I was released so my mom took me with her to the hospital, afraid to leave me alone at home. There I found out that my mom was right, I needed to become a doctor! It was in my blood and I was born to be one, and I'm glad I realized that this was the right choice for me to make.

My mom and I never really could make it up with each other, you know the rest of the story about us. But I don't blame her for that period. I made the decision to use drugs and behave like I did, it was not her choice  
I regret that decision and moment of my life every day, but at the end I became a stronger person because of it.

I once met the parents of Matt and told them everything what I knew about their son. I was afraid that they would blame me of his dead but luckily they didn't. I really loved him and I guess that was the reason I found the strength to get clean, just for him because he would have wanted that. I believe he really loved me. But I also believe that he still would be alive without me, I wanted and needed more drugs at that time than he did when I met him. I dragged him into it deeper and deeper. Yes he was the one who started it but at the end I was the one begging him for more and more. I was a bad influid for him and he for me.  
Some days when I am thinking back about that time I'm proud of the woman who I am today.

I didn't wanted to tell you this, because I'm so scared that you will leave me , because of my past and I don't want you to go. Derek I love you! And I really believe that nowadays there is no me without you! So please don't leave me" I said finishing my story with a deep sigh

Derek wiped a tear away from my face and I looked up at him to look at his facial expression.  
While telling him the story of my past I never had the guts to look up at him. I saw tears in his eyes and I grabbed his hand "I'm sorry Der, I never wanted to make you sad" I assured him before I started to cry. He pulled me against his chest and I started to sob in his arms.

Derek placed a kiss on my head "I'm not mad, I'm just sad that you have been through that in your life, I wished I was there so I could be there for you at that time. I'm not disappointed in you, you are the most amazing woman I ever met in my life. I am glad you told me so I can be there for you when you need someone. I love you Mer and just like you said.. There is no me without you" He said to me and he kissed me on my lips, I kissed him back and soon our tongues were connected with each other in a soft and loving way. When we both needed some air and broke up from the kiss, I snuggled close into his chest and we just hold each other like we were afraid to let the other go.

He rubbed my stomach were my hand was laying at that time, and he kissed me again on the top of my head "we will make sure non of this will happen for our baby, we will keep her or him save. I promise" he said guessing that I also was afraid for that.

I smiled at him "I know we will, this baby will get everything she or he needs! All the love and support we can give it".

**xX-Natasja-Xx**

**A/N:**Non real story. Don't know anything about drugs so that's why I'm not going deeper into the story details..

My native language is Dutch, so I'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes.

Please review! Thank you for reading and enjoy your day.


End file.
